My New Year’s resolution has always been to NOT make resolutions.
This year will be no different.
Every year on this special day I shake my head in disgust, asking myself how I’ve wasted another year of my life. Every year on January 1st I tell myself “hey, this year things won’t be as bad as last year”, but somehow things always happen.
I always hope for the best and try to make the best of things. I try so incredibly hard to stay positive. I convince myself each January 1st that negativity is just a matter of perspective. Unfortunately, thanks to whatever I did wrong in another life, I continue to be punished in this one.
In other words, I often have many negative things to reflect upon.
Regarding perspective, I know things could always be worse than I have it. I know there are others out there with much less than I have, but I’m not worried about them. I care about MY life because I know I was capable of so much more. It may be selfish to say that, but it’s true. I used to have a decent life.
While it’s hard for me to remember exactly when, I WAS happy once.
Once upon a time, I had goals and a grand plan for my life. I’ve done things many people only dream of. I’ve seen things and been to places others will never get to experience. Once upon a time, things were good. I had a good life and even some positivity but I wasn’t able to keep it.
What’s messed up for me is I don’t cry over what I don’t have. I stress over what I DO have.
I can’t place blame or say it’s no fault of mine because I’ve dug my own holes, but one thing I’ve learned about January 1st over the past few years is to not be too overly optimistic for the upcoming year. Despite my knowing better, I ask myself the same question every year…
How did I get where I’m at?
I realize perspective is a two way street and I know I should reflect more on the positive, but it’s hard. With each passing year, it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.
At this point in my life, I just want to exist, not struggle, yet my life is all about struggle. It’s a constant battle of trying to keep my head above water while someone is standing over me trying to hold it under. I know the world will never be perfect, but for more than just a few hours at a time I’d like to know how it feels to be truly happy.
When I say “happy” I’m not talking about a fleeting moment in time. I’m referring to how it feels to be genuinely content with life. I’d like to know how it feels to not be stressed every day due to fighting personal demons, health issues, relationships, finances and everything else that is a big dark cloud blocking the my sunshine of my life.
I get that everyone has problems, but mine don’t ever seem to go away. They just compound. That’s what I mean by “stressing over what I have now”.
I know I can’t change the past, but sometimes it feels like I can’t change the future. I’m stuck fighting the present and it sucks.
I suppose I could make a resolution saying I’ll try to change things, to strive for better or something along those lines, but why bother. Talk is cheap. On January 1st next year any reflections (good or bad) will be the result of my fight, not a resolution.
So when people tell me “Happy New Year”, I AM optimistic, but I usually just respond with “we’ll see”.
Written by Marty Augustine
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